Day 3 – Flashback

She woke up ok today but how long will this go she wondered.

As usual the first thing she did was go on his number. And starred at it for few minutes. Was still distant to her. She has purposely deleted the name, as it affects her mind.

During her lunch – she all of a sudden went into a flashback and saw the times which were ok with him. She scrolled through her phone and realised how she had been coping up and was the only person holding on to this relationship.

She got stuck as to what if he considered her equal and how they could be happy. She had to be snapped out by a colleague. Tears were just there on the eyelashes but none fell.

She felt anxious but snapped her self out.

She went for excersise after a few days. She realised how much of her strength and stamina is lost.

It was a struggle to go through the session but her instructor is good and adjusted accordingly.

She was just happy she made it there..

She went on his number again and feel lost today. But she is holding on.

She thinks about him almost every minute or with each breath she takes. She just hopes he is fine and happy where ever he is.

She is holding on or letting go. Still doesn’t know. Every thing seems foggy even though everything was clear.

She thinks what if he comes back like last time, what will she do ? Will she cry and hug him or will she walk past as a stranger?

The latter will kill her but will she have the strength to do it.

Only time will tell.. ..

Day – 2 was Happy holi (Festival of colours)

Although the Day 2 was yesterday, she had no stamina to write this last night.

Day before she was unable to sleep properly and woke up at 4.40 Am only the first thing to go on her whatsapp and check his number.

She sometimes just stares at the screen as if he will come out from there!

She put herself back to sleep and woke up again at 6.30, guess what she saw!

There was a message from him – “Happy holi” . This message was after 8 days since he had last messaged her. She woke up with a terrible headache and felt sick reading this message.

She typed a very long message to him about stop torturing her as all this is messing her head more ! But then she deleted it and left it at just saying “are you joking with me”.

She decided later on to even delete that but it was too late to be deleted.

She felt as if he was throwing baits with these random messages and this is messing her head. She knows its messing her head and has been able to see things a little clear but as she has been with him for almost 15 years she doesn’t know what she wants to do.

She felt angry, emotional and it was all a mix. What a messsge to send it to someone, specially when you have left her in a shit position and then throwing a stone at her by sending this.

This message actually was saying instead of “Happy holi” (Interpretation)

“Oh you are alone – i left you with all these questions and now i switch off my phone and only message you when i want to – you kept wondering and kept calling but i never answered, then slowly you stopped calling and have been messaging less but then i will wish you “Happy holi” to make you realise you are alone and i am with my family. I am enjoying the festivities and how are alone maybe sulking. I’ll send you this “happy holi” so you cry as you haven’t probably cried since last few days. I dont want you to get over me so quick,i want you to chase me , call random people to ask about me, message me arrogant stuff so that i can prove that you are an obsessed maniac person and then i will come back when and if i want and you will be begging me and listen to everything i say and will do what i want you to do and how i want to keep you. I will not make this easy for you”

“Happy holi” became almost a sickening holi for her yesterday and messed her head up completely. She was in pain all day and felt could collapse at work. Not that she would have celebrated much even when he was around but festival means being around family or loved ones.

She finished work and went to a friend’s house as she had some work. But they dont celebrate the festival. She just was around people and spent the evening after work there. Had food and just distracted herself.

She did not cry yesterday. I think her tears dont want to come anymore.

She went on his number less yesterday because something happened when she read that message of his. Everytime she would go and stare at that number she felt far and distant.

She wasn’t feeling what she felt a few days before when she was staring at his number.

Is she getting used to this? Is she ready to let him go?

A friend said to her yestetday that she needs to take that power back as she gets affected because she is letting herself get affected!

She doesn’t know how to do that though. Everything stops when it comes to him but maybe she needs to learn.

Will she be able to do that? Well she is trying for now.. . . And taking it slow.

She does miss him and cry over things but she is trying and holding on.

Hope everyone’s life gets filled with colours with this festival just gone and may no one come across someone who leaves someone in a mess with saying so much shit and messages you “Happy holi” ..

Staring walls – a phase of depression which we rarely talk about

Whatever phase of depression – Just Be There ..

Although we talk about depression and mental health less anyway but when we do talk about depression, people who understand it are there for you.

But they are there when it hurts very much and when they see us crying or sobbing.

Everyone asks when one breaks down and have suggestions or are there to just be there.

When you are numbing yourself with alcohol or using drugs,some will say its wrong and others and just be there to let you pass the phase.

When you cry hysterically they will be there.

But no one is there when you just go quiet.

No would be there to talk about when you just sit on your bed and stare at a wall constantly, trying to fill that hole which you have inside you.

No one would be there, when you don’t want to do things you like to do usually,

No one would be there when you see yourself in the mirror and you think who is this person,

No one would be there when you stop enjoying your own music and you ask yourself what is wrong with me,

No one would be there when you ask yourself when would you smile again,

No one would be there to answer when you ask yourself, why i cannot get better,

Just no one .. So you sit and stare a wall and just eagerly wait for the day to end.

And the person who is in this phase feels horrible, empty, lonely, scared, abandoned and guilty at the same time that another day has passed. But then days and weeks pass by and the person feels they are stuck in a cycle.

And the loop gets bigger and bigger, days become weeks and weeks turns into months.

Sometimes I feel this is a never ending cycle and nothing would ever work.

So I sit and stare at a wall and refuse to recognise myself in the mirror.

But while writing this I do hold just a hope and pray that just one day – and just one day – i recognise the one I see in the mirror.

Just be there with the person if someone you know has gone quiet. Just be there because they need you.

Just a simple message from your very busy schedule would make them feel a little alive.

So next time you know someone who is going thru shit and have gone quiet – Just Be There