Day – 2 was Happy holi (Festival of colours)

Although the Day 2 was yesterday, she had no stamina to write this last night.

Day before she was unable to sleep properly and woke up at 4.40 Am only the first thing to go on her whatsapp and check his number.

She sometimes just stares at the screen as if he will come out from there!

She put herself back to sleep and woke up again at 6.30, guess what she saw!

There was a message from him – “Happy holi” . This message was after 8 days since he had last messaged her. She woke up with a terrible headache and felt sick reading this message.

She typed a very long message to him about stop torturing her as all this is messing her head more ! But then she deleted it and left it at just saying “are you joking with me”.

She decided later on to even delete that but it was too late to be deleted.

She felt as if he was throwing baits with these random messages and this is messing her head. She knows its messing her head and has been able to see things a little clear but as she has been with him for almost 15 years she doesn’t know what she wants to do.

She felt angry, emotional and it was all a mix. What a messsge to send it to someone, specially when you have left her in a shit position and then throwing a stone at her by sending this.

This message actually was saying instead of “Happy holi” (Interpretation)

“Oh you are alone – i left you with all these questions and now i switch off my phone and only message you when i want to – you kept wondering and kept calling but i never answered, then slowly you stopped calling and have been messaging less but then i will wish you “Happy holi” to make you realise you are alone and i am with my family. I am enjoying the festivities and how are alone maybe sulking. I’ll send you this “happy holi” so you cry as you haven’t probably cried since last few days. I dont want you to get over me so quick,i want you to chase me , call random people to ask about me, message me arrogant stuff so that i can prove that you are an obsessed maniac person and then i will come back when and if i want and you will be begging me and listen to everything i say and will do what i want you to do and how i want to keep you. I will not make this easy for you”

“Happy holi” became almost a sickening holi for her yesterday and messed her head up completely. She was in pain all day and felt could collapse at work. Not that she would have celebrated much even when he was around but festival means being around family or loved ones.

She finished work and went to a friend’s house as she had some work. But they dont celebrate the festival. She just was around people and spent the evening after work there. Had food and just distracted herself.

She did not cry yesterday. I think her tears dont want to come anymore.

She went on his number less yesterday because something happened when she read that message of his. Everytime she would go and stare at that number she felt far and distant.

She wasn’t feeling what she felt a few days before when she was staring at his number.

Is she getting used to this? Is she ready to let him go?

A friend said to her yestetday that she needs to take that power back as she gets affected because she is letting herself get affected!

She doesn’t know how to do that though. Everything stops when it comes to him but maybe she needs to learn.

Will she be able to do that? Well she is trying for now.. . . And taking it slow.

She does miss him and cry over things but she is trying and holding on.

Hope everyone’s life gets filled with colours with this festival just gone and may no one come across someone who leaves someone in a mess with saying so much shit and messages you “Happy holi” ..

Accepted Abuse! – why it is difficult to leave the abuse.

So, as obvious it might have been for people who were seeing or hearing from the outside – it was difficult for her to –

First – understand what Abuse was! As he was not physcial up until recent times but it was emotional/psychological abuse. Which was very difficult for her to identify.

Secondly – to accept that she was being Abused. She was so co-dependent on him as she always believed he was right even though many times she would disagree with him.

Third – to heal the pain was obviously very difficult -this was as there were no closure between them. She although accepted that it was abuse, somewhere she was confused but that confusion was more love than the fact that she had accepted that it was abuse.

Fourth – This time she was fighting back to change him, to find a happy medium but he will never budge in. He denied and became even more abusive. She kept on fighting it until a time came that she accepted the abuse consciously.

They were still in an abusive relationship – the only difference this time was that she was aware she was in one and she accepted to stay in it – She chose to be in it.

Many don’t understand why she does not leave him.

She also asked her self this question !

Everyone told her that she was strong, everyone told her she can and will be financially independent (incase that was stopping her)

Everyone told her she will get over him.

But she did not – She obviously was not happy and having a term of a strong woman/girl was also a big thing to deal with , when only she just wanted to go and die or have some magic wand which would take away all the pain away.

She one day asked herself these difficuly questions – this was after almost 2 years of psychotherapy -things were much clearer.

Rather than trying to change him or stay with him in the hope that he would change ; she accepted he will not ; rather she was introduced to the angle to see that she was also responsible equally to what was happenening to her because she has the option to leave. (even though its very easy for someone to see that from outside, this statement made an impact on her)

She stopped feeling like a victim and a helpless person where she looked for help and control from outside – She took control of what and how to feel (atleast in this extent other wise he even controls how she should feel)

She felt more liberated and the Shame also went because she accepted that she was in an abusive relationship!

Asking herself difficult questions – why she could not leave – she was not coming to very believable answers and then ; she and her therapist worked and processed it over a few sessions!

She was very fimiliar with what he did to her and the relationship she shared, she spent her entire childhood and teenage being in this kind of a relationship with her mother.

She replied to her therapist “I would not know what I would do, if I do not have all this to deal with”

“I will be left with nothing”

Hearing all that her therapist replied – “you fear the unknown and that you also don’t trust yourself and that is because you were never allowed or given the opportunity to trust your own self”

She also said that let me tell you – “that is also not true” – ” you are afraid and scared if your own power”

She smiled – when she heard this and she replied “how do i trust myself” but they kept this for the other time to discuss while she is on a journey to work on her soul!

She was scared to take control of her own life, feelings and anything because that is what she was used to since a child. Her brain was used to this. (even though she actually is capable of doing that because it has been her who have taken care of herself even when he has been around her) but I guess she refuses to see and see things from that perspective.

So while many people from outside think why people cannot leave their abusers, sometime it’s not just material or practical reasons – sometimes it’s because that is the only thing they have known.

This becomes their Habit and even if they know that this habit is destructive – they still continue that.

She felt at home with all this push pull drama in her life – that is what her brain has known and she seeks to see what and how to break this pattern!