Day 3 – Flashback

She woke up ok today but how long will this go she wondered.

As usual the first thing she did was go on his number. And starred at it for few minutes. Was still distant to her. She has purposely deleted the name, as it affects her mind.

During her lunch – she all of a sudden went into a flashback and saw the times which were ok with him. She scrolled through her phone and realised how she had been coping up and was the only person holding on to this relationship.

She got stuck as to what if he considered her equal and how they could be happy. She had to be snapped out by a colleague. Tears were just there on the eyelashes but none fell.

She felt anxious but snapped her self out.

She went for excersise after a few days. She realised how much of her strength and stamina is lost.

It was a struggle to go through the session but her instructor is good and adjusted accordingly.

She was just happy she made it there..

She went on his number again and feel lost today. But she is holding on.

She thinks about him almost every minute or with each breath she takes. She just hopes he is fine and happy where ever he is.

She is holding on or letting go. Still doesn’t know. Every thing seems foggy even though everything was clear.

She thinks what if he comes back like last time, what will she do ? Will she cry and hug him or will she walk past as a stranger?

The latter will kill her but will she have the strength to do it.

Only time will tell.. ..

A month of him leaving!

And hopefully day 1 of her healing.

Today is a month since he left her.

Left her on a small conversation after he could not hold on to his anger.

Anger because he just cannot accept her even saying a word or having a discussion.

Played all games in between while he was around but moved out. Left her messages and a letter which looks lovely from top but has blame again.

Switch off his phones and replies when he wants to. She sits alone and wonders if he actually ever loved her?

This 1 month had been a roller coaster for her – she has tried to be strong but then becomes weak as she doesn’t know where she stands. Or maybe she does know where she stands but is scared to take that step.

Take that step one more time with the same guy.

Walk the same steps as she had to almost 3 years back. Also she fears as she has always been by her side – sometimes she goes on her messages and feels she doesn’t know this person.

Was she actually in love with an illusion?

An illusion what she believed was true love! An illusion that he will start having normal converstions with her! An illusion that he won’t control her! An illusion that he will love her and accept her as she is!

Is it that difficult for her to accept her illusion she asks?

She is angry but doesn’t want to hurt him. Is it however ok for him to hurt her like this always !

She asks and this day will pass.

Today has been the first day after her therapy session after a long time and although she seems relieved she is filled with all these questions.

Was she becoming ready to break that promise?

Was she preparing herself to walk that path once again?

She just doesn’t see herself away from him. She has grown up with him and been together for almost 15 years. She doesn’t know how to do this but she is trying…

1 month of him walking out when he says that he loves her – will this be day 1 of her healing?