Accepted Abuse! – why it is difficult to leave the abuse.

So, as obvious it might have been for people who were seeing or hearing from the outside – it was difficult for her to –

First – understand what Abuse was! As he was not physcial up until recent times but it was emotional/psychological abuse. Which was very difficult for her to identify.

Secondly – to accept that she was being Abused. She was so co-dependent on him as she always believed he was right even though many times she would disagree with him.

Third – to heal the pain was obviously very difficult -this was as there were no closure between them. She although accepted that it was abuse, somewhere she was confused but that confusion was more love than the fact that she had accepted that it was abuse.

Fourth – This time she was fighting back to change him, to find a happy medium but he will never budge in. He denied and became even more abusive. She kept on fighting it until a time came that she accepted the abuse consciously.

They were still in an abusive relationship – the only difference this time was that she was aware she was in one and she accepted to stay in it – She chose to be in it.

Many don’t understand why she does not leave him.

She also asked her self this question !

Everyone told her that she was strong, everyone told her she can and will be financially independent (incase that was stopping her)

Everyone told her she will get over him.

But she did not – She obviously was not happy and having a term of a strong woman/girl was also a big thing to deal with , when only she just wanted to go and die or have some magic wand which would take away all the pain away.

She one day asked herself these difficuly questions – this was after almost 2 years of psychotherapy -things were much clearer.

Rather than trying to change him or stay with him in the hope that he would change ; she accepted he will not ; rather she was introduced to the angle to see that she was also responsible equally to what was happenening to her because she has the option to leave. (even though its very easy for someone to see that from outside, this statement made an impact on her)

She stopped feeling like a victim and a helpless person where she looked for help and control from outside – She took control of what and how to feel (atleast in this extent other wise he even controls how she should feel)

She felt more liberated and the Shame also went because she accepted that she was in an abusive relationship!

Asking herself difficult questions – why she could not leave – she was not coming to very believable answers and then ; she and her therapist worked and processed it over a few sessions!

She was very fimiliar with what he did to her and the relationship she shared, she spent her entire childhood and teenage being in this kind of a relationship with her mother.

She replied to her therapist “I would not know what I would do, if I do not have all this to deal with”

“I will be left with nothing”

Hearing all that her therapist replied – “you fear the unknown and that you also don’t trust yourself and that is because you were never allowed or given the opportunity to trust your own self”

She also said that let me tell you – “that is also not true” – ” you are afraid and scared if your own power”

She smiled – when she heard this and she replied “how do i trust myself” but they kept this for the other time to discuss while she is on a journey to work on her soul!

She was scared to take control of her own life, feelings and anything because that is what she was used to since a child. Her brain was used to this. (even though she actually is capable of doing that because it has been her who have taken care of herself even when he has been around her) but I guess she refuses to see and see things from that perspective.

So while many people from outside think why people cannot leave their abusers, sometime it’s not just material or practical reasons – sometimes it’s because that is the only thing they have known.

This becomes their Habit and even if they know that this habit is destructive – they still continue that.

She felt at home with all this push pull drama in her life – that is what her brain has known and she seeks to see what and how to break this pattern!

1 year of counselling

A caterpillar lives in the darkness but soon becomes a beautiful butterfly …….

It’s almost been 1 year, I have been seeing a therapist. My therapist is a qualified clinical hypnotherapist and have done a higher level in an advanced diploma in relational centred counselling.

Just to let people know – relational counsellors are trained to work at emotional depth. This therapist is also a qualified mindfulness practitioner.

My Therapist believes that “coming to know oneself and understanding why we suffer leads to genuine change , improved health, and helps individual live a more natural and authentic life”.

It is the therapist’s belief that “it is through counselling – we discover that we heal through relating. This is because the wounds that occurred in relationships must be healed in a relationship, a relationship where the therapist don’t talk at us, but with us. For what was unbearable when alone, becomes bearable when shared.” (I am sorry for many obvious reasons – I am unable to share identity openly because I write anonymously,but if anyone really needs to connect please drop a message)

Anyway, I survived 1 year and it’s still on going.

I wouldn’t lie, it wasn’t easy when I started, i did not know what much to expect or how I would take it. Not only it was difficult and challenging when I started, time and again I find it challenging – but I did not give up – a lot of credit does go to my therapist.

I found my self searching “boundries” as my therapist used that many times in my sessions – I did get them what boundries mean but never went deep to understand what it is. I finally got to know a bit about “boundries” – emotional physical spiritual and others.

Be Patient and determined …

I know it’s very difficult and I have been there – I have been in a locked up room where i did not even get up to get some water for myself .

A dark tunnel where i would never ever want to be!

A place where even while writing now – I feel sensations in my arms. I feel weak!

Slowly I am working on myself – like a caterpillar is in the darkness but when comes out its a beautiful butterfly !

As they all say therapy/ counselling is a slow process and sure it is !!!

Many people get disheartened if they do not feel anything positive after just a few sessions – or many people say “oh I will just take 4 or 5 sessions,that should be enough”.

You cannot decide – you don’t know!

Some of you might feel that it is rather more emotionally draining than doing any good.

Remember it is a process – I believe that anyone who decides to take the first step ; which is going to see a therapist/counsellor should remember/acknowledge the above.

Because quitting just after a few sessions, as you feel its draining – would put you in a position that you stop believing in it.

If you feel like this –

When I felt like quitting,

When I was emotionally feeling drained,

Any other feelings- even for the matter I sometimes shared with my therapist – “before coming today I was thiking what I am going to talk today!”

Any of the feeling you feel – I would say please share with your therapist.

It would help you overcome your fears/thoughts and help you overcome this phase.

I found the above working for myself.

I believe what we bring on the table – it is also easier for our therapist to work and help us.

I remember counselling is more like an “onion” – which basically mean – it works in layers.

So see yourself as an onion – your top layer might just be a lot of superficial stuff which you have developed to survive in the society, your day to day problems – in short it might just be associated with a lot of daily stuff because sometimes you don’t even know where to start!!

During this process , you might even find yourself asking – ” why am I seeing a therapist to talk about my daily life ” – but trust me just hang in there!

Slowly this layer would be removed.

When you share how you feel with your therapist – it helps them understand the situation better.

Slowly the professional therapist would be able to work their way thru, by slowly challenging you and creating the sense of peace , non – judgemental attitude,so you feel safe.

A good therapist would be able to work alongside your emotions by asking how you are feeling or where do you feel in your body? Asking you to “ground” yourself and much other techniques.

In my case there had been signs of trauma returning what I felt – and my therapist was able to identify that. She used to stop the session ,ask me to ground my self and make me feel comfortable until I am ready to start again!

It is very important for you to feel comfortable, not being judged and even safe. You should feel you are being understood with empathy but yet challenge because if you aren’t being challenged – there would be no progress as such.

When you have developed that trust with your therapist – remember you have a role here to play as well – as mentioned before you need to bring things on the table – you are seeing a therapist for a reason and if you don’t bring stuff what you struggle with ,it would be difficult for your therapist to work.

Slowly during this process you will soon enter just the middle of the onion – maybe the heart of the actual issues – your own demons – and whatever you are seeing the therapist for .

I am unable to describe much about this stage,because it is only very recently I feel that I am just reaching the heart of things – the heart of my own issues /my demons and why I react in certain way.

I don’t know where i heard it but I heard it – they say – DON’T BE THE EMOTIONS – BE THE AWARENESS BEHIND THEM !

My therapist used to ask me a lot – when I used to talk about something upsetting – used to ask me to identify what I am feeling in my body or where i was feeling it and how I was feeling it – NOW I KNOW WHY.

When we know and are more aware what is causing a particular emotion – we are able to identify and work on that.

I would soon update how my next few sessions go and what/how I feel.

Will try and also blog – maybe how I ended seeing a therapist over the next few blogs!