Day – 2 was Happy holi (Festival of colours)

Although the Day 2 was yesterday, she had no stamina to write this last night.

Day before she was unable to sleep properly and woke up at 4.40 Am only the first thing to go on her whatsapp and check his number.

She sometimes just stares at the screen as if he will come out from there!

She put herself back to sleep and woke up again at 6.30, guess what she saw!

There was a message from him – “Happy holi” . This message was after 8 days since he had last messaged her. She woke up with a terrible headache and felt sick reading this message.

She typed a very long message to him about stop torturing her as all this is messing her head more ! But then she deleted it and left it at just saying “are you joking with me”.

She decided later on to even delete that but it was too late to be deleted.

She felt as if he was throwing baits with these random messages and this is messing her head. She knows its messing her head and has been able to see things a little clear but as she has been with him for almost 15 years she doesn’t know what she wants to do.

She felt angry, emotional and it was all a mix. What a messsge to send it to someone, specially when you have left her in a shit position and then throwing a stone at her by sending this.

This message actually was saying instead of “Happy holi” (Interpretation)

“Oh you are alone – i left you with all these questions and now i switch off my phone and only message you when i want to – you kept wondering and kept calling but i never answered, then slowly you stopped calling and have been messaging less but then i will wish you “Happy holi” to make you realise you are alone and i am with my family. I am enjoying the festivities and how are alone maybe sulking. I’ll send you this “happy holi” so you cry as you haven’t probably cried since last few days. I dont want you to get over me so quick,i want you to chase me , call random people to ask about me, message me arrogant stuff so that i can prove that you are an obsessed maniac person and then i will come back when and if i want and you will be begging me and listen to everything i say and will do what i want you to do and how i want to keep you. I will not make this easy for you”

“Happy holi” became almost a sickening holi for her yesterday and messed her head up completely. She was in pain all day and felt could collapse at work. Not that she would have celebrated much even when he was around but festival means being around family or loved ones.

She finished work and went to a friend’s house as she had some work. But they dont celebrate the festival. She just was around people and spent the evening after work there. Had food and just distracted herself.

She did not cry yesterday. I think her tears dont want to come anymore.

She went on his number less yesterday because something happened when she read that message of his. Everytime she would go and stare at that number she felt far and distant.

She wasn’t feeling what she felt a few days before when she was staring at his number.

Is she getting used to this? Is she ready to let him go?

A friend said to her yestetday that she needs to take that power back as she gets affected because she is letting herself get affected!

She doesn’t know how to do that though. Everything stops when it comes to him but maybe she needs to learn.

Will she be able to do that? Well she is trying for now.. . . And taking it slow.

She does miss him and cry over things but she is trying and holding on.

Hope everyone’s life gets filled with colours with this festival just gone and may no one come across someone who leaves someone in a mess with saying so much shit and messages you “Happy holi” ..

Dear God ….

Dear God

Or whoever you are, if you are listening and seeing from wherever you are…

You know I am struggling and i need help…

You know I need the strength:

To carry on …

To hold on .. or maybe let go..

To believe in you..

To believe life is beautiful..

To know I am strong..

To know this misery would end …

To know I will be happy Again…

You know since i realised what god is which was only very recently ..

I stopped asking you for anything for my life ..

I always talked to you as if you know what i would need, i trusted you, but that doesn’t mean that you would just give me tears… endless ones, where i have no one to wipe them apart from my self because god I am tired….

I am tired and even though i want to hold on I am struggling …

I know many would say that you are probably giving me all this because you have a plan for me and maybe you do! .. and believe me I want to trust you but its shaking….

Its scary …

You know its dark where i am – the girl who used to spread lightness!

I am today again in the place where i did not wanted to ever return…

I promised myself and you, that i wont be this low… But I am struggling.

Dear God

I want to trust you…

I want to believe you are there…

You know I don’t ask for anything but to guide me and give me strength…

You know for big decisions when i am very confused in my life I surrender to you … then why is my belief shaking today yet again ….

Dear God before i go to bed tonight please take care of my and give me that strength.

That courage ….

That belief …

That smile…

That power to believe in just you and no one else ..

Dear God I trust you … when i have no one i hope I am able to wipe my tears and don’t loose hope while i am doing so..

Thank for listening God …

Thank you