Day – 2 was Happy holi (Festival of colours)

Although the Day 2 was yesterday, she had no stamina to write this last night.

Day before she was unable to sleep properly and woke up at 4.40 Am only the first thing to go on her whatsapp and check his number.

She sometimes just stares at the screen as if he will come out from there!

She put herself back to sleep and woke up again at 6.30, guess what she saw!

There was a message from him – “Happy holi” . This message was after 8 days since he had last messaged her. She woke up with a terrible headache and felt sick reading this message.

She typed a very long message to him about stop torturing her as all this is messing her head more ! But then she deleted it and left it at just saying “are you joking with me”.

She decided later on to even delete that but it was too late to be deleted.

She felt as if he was throwing baits with these random messages and this is messing her head. She knows its messing her head and has been able to see things a little clear but as she has been with him for almost 15 years she doesn’t know what she wants to do.

She felt angry, emotional and it was all a mix. What a messsge to send it to someone, specially when you have left her in a shit position and then throwing a stone at her by sending this.

This message actually was saying instead of “Happy holi” (Interpretation)

“Oh you are alone – i left you with all these questions and now i switch off my phone and only message you when i want to – you kept wondering and kept calling but i never answered, then slowly you stopped calling and have been messaging less but then i will wish you “Happy holi” to make you realise you are alone and i am with my family. I am enjoying the festivities and how are alone maybe sulking. I’ll send you this “happy holi” so you cry as you haven’t probably cried since last few days. I dont want you to get over me so quick,i want you to chase me , call random people to ask about me, message me arrogant stuff so that i can prove that you are an obsessed maniac person and then i will come back when and if i want and you will be begging me and listen to everything i say and will do what i want you to do and how i want to keep you. I will not make this easy for you”

“Happy holi” became almost a sickening holi for her yesterday and messed her head up completely. She was in pain all day and felt could collapse at work. Not that she would have celebrated much even when he was around but festival means being around family or loved ones.

She finished work and went to a friend’s house as she had some work. But they dont celebrate the festival. She just was around people and spent the evening after work there. Had food and just distracted herself.

She did not cry yesterday. I think her tears dont want to come anymore.

She went on his number less yesterday because something happened when she read that message of his. Everytime she would go and stare at that number she felt far and distant.

She wasn’t feeling what she felt a few days before when she was staring at his number.

Is she getting used to this? Is she ready to let him go?

A friend said to her yestetday that she needs to take that power back as she gets affected because she is letting herself get affected!

She doesn’t know how to do that though. Everything stops when it comes to him but maybe she needs to learn.

Will she be able to do that? Well she is trying for now.. . . And taking it slow.

She does miss him and cry over things but she is trying and holding on.

Hope everyone’s life gets filled with colours with this festival just gone and may no one come across someone who leaves someone in a mess with saying so much shit and messages you “Happy holi” ..

A month of him leaving!

And hopefully day 1 of her healing.

Today is a month since he left her.

Left her on a small conversation after he could not hold on to his anger.

Anger because he just cannot accept her even saying a word or having a discussion.

Played all games in between while he was around but moved out. Left her messages and a letter which looks lovely from top but has blame again.

Switch off his phones and replies when he wants to. She sits alone and wonders if he actually ever loved her?

This 1 month had been a roller coaster for her – she has tried to be strong but then becomes weak as she doesn’t know where she stands. Or maybe she does know where she stands but is scared to take that step.

Take that step one more time with the same guy.

Walk the same steps as she had to almost 3 years back. Also she fears as she has always been by her side – sometimes she goes on her messages and feels she doesn’t know this person.

Was she actually in love with an illusion?

An illusion what she believed was true love! An illusion that he will start having normal converstions with her! An illusion that he won’t control her! An illusion that he will love her and accept her as she is!

Is it that difficult for her to accept her illusion she asks?

She is angry but doesn’t want to hurt him. Is it however ok for him to hurt her like this always !

She asks and this day will pass.

Today has been the first day after her therapy session after a long time and although she seems relieved she is filled with all these questions.

Was she becoming ready to break that promise?

Was she preparing herself to walk that path once again?

She just doesn’t see herself away from him. She has grown up with him and been together for almost 15 years. She doesn’t know how to do this but she is trying…

1 month of him walking out when he says that he loves her – will this be day 1 of her healing?

Girl who was a puppet for him and his family ….

Diary of a family oriented yet modern Indian woman

She fell for him because she madly loved him… atleast she believed that he loved her too.. .. ..

He was much from an abusive home – where he had seen the father verbally abusing the mother and the mother calling the father with foul names.

He was upset seeing the state of his house.

He was always criticized for being a failure.

He was told that a girl should have been born because they already had one son.

He was told he was no good.

He grew up with all this and having entered his adulthood he wanted to be away from the parents/from the people he called his own.

Away to make his own life.

Away to prove that he was not a failure.

Away so he can be at peace.

He found her, he said he loves her for her natural attitude.

He said he liked how she was bold and would talk her mind out – little did he know that she still hid a lot from the whole world.

But he said he fell for her for how she was.

She was bold

She was beautiful inside out.

But she had flaws- she was not perfect but she knew this was the best she could do.

She wanted to support him even though she herself was just 21!

She stood by him.

She motivated him.

She loved him as no one would.

Her life revolved around him.

She forgot what she wanted in life for herself apart from him.

She could do anything for him.

They stayed overseas.

They got married in haste as his parents wanted to seperate them anyhow.

Mother called the son impotent! what kind of a mother would call her own son that ! and what does that even supposed to mean?

Parents spoke a lot of bad things for the her.

Parents disowned him.

A lot was said by them ! she kept quiet and heard everything because of his love!

He was lonely.

He thought they would never do this.

They slowly started to build their life up with a lot of struggles.

The parents came back because their elder son soon after he got married did not wanted to live with these parents.

He said his parents were cruel to his wife.

He said his parents would control his life even after he was married.

He said a lit of things about their character which was shocking.

However in the world outside they were respected because they had the money. only money!

Their elder son made it clear that he would never want them to even see their faces! and he till date sticks to that … (he no2 has his own 2 sons but his own parents havent even seen them)

They came to the other younger son – who they believed was always a failure !

Parents started interfering in their life.

Whatever small or big they used to earn they were happy.

They were in Love. They cared about each other. They were ready to face the world.

The mother went to live with them for few months and created differences between them.

They were always scared that his parents would do something to seperate them.

The mother was also into black magic – the son himself told.

Things slowly started to corrode….

She could see he was changing ….

He would ask her to dress in a different way ….

The mother would ask her to put make up on …

Mother would ask her to change her earings…

She used to cry silently.

She started feeling she could not be even herself.

She would cook for him and just behave as a puppet.

But she loved him and slowly her mind started accepting all this….

Things changed a little more where he would shout at her for her speaking to her own mother because she should be sitting with the father in law as it was coffee time !

She was only speaking to her mother this morning as she passed her MBA with merit and she wanted to tell her parents.

Everytime they would visit home she would have to mostly stay at his house with the in laws- and she did.

She would get up every morning to have coffee with her father in law. Only 1 day she was late as she was speaking to her mother….

On the contrary he would always sleep because he was on a holiday. …

She cried more and did not know what to do.

She could not tell many people as she knew she chose him for herself.

She was guilty.

She knew people would call her bad.

She suffered in silence.

She had no soul left. She was just a puppet and would do things to make everyone happy.

She wanted to leave him but she could not so she stayed and stayed; moved on in life and would leave things.

She got into terms with how her life will be – even though she never wanted this.

She wanted a family – he did not want that. Few years passed but he would never agree.

She would work – cook and try things to make him successful.

Had a lot of ups and downs in between…

They did not have a car and he would get tired so her mother gifted them their first car…

They bought a first house with the help of her parents…. She pushed it through even when he was not ready as she wanted him to feel settled.

Her parents were there when no one was.. They stood by her as much as they could.

She asked her parents to help them… and they did…

She thought everything was fine apart from the feeling of emptiness.

She was with him but she was lonely…

She thought she was crazy to feel that.. …

She believed everything was normal….

This is how a relationship should be….

She stayed silent and carried on

This happened from 2006 till 2016…

She will write more; maybe small episodes as a diary….

She is finding a way to write and get over her feelings ..

She is slowly healing…