Day 3 – Flashback

She woke up ok today but how long will this go she wondered.

As usual the first thing she did was go on his number. And starred at it for few minutes. Was still distant to her. She has purposely deleted the name, as it affects her mind.

During her lunch – she all of a sudden went into a flashback and saw the times which were ok with him. She scrolled through her phone and realised how she had been coping up and was the only person holding on to this relationship.

She got stuck as to what if he considered her equal and how they could be happy. She had to be snapped out by a colleague. Tears were just there on the eyelashes but none fell.

She felt anxious but snapped her self out.

She went for excersise after a few days. She realised how much of her strength and stamina is lost.

It was a struggle to go through the session but her instructor is good and adjusted accordingly.

She was just happy she made it there..

She went on his number again and feel lost today. But she is holding on.

She thinks about him almost every minute or with each breath she takes. She just hopes he is fine and happy where ever he is.

She is holding on or letting go. Still doesn’t know. Every thing seems foggy even though everything was clear.

She thinks what if he comes back like last time, what will she do ? Will she cry and hug him or will she walk past as a stranger?

The latter will kill her but will she have the strength to do it.

Only time will tell.. ..

Staring walls – a phase of depression which we rarely talk about

Whatever phase of depression – Just Be There ..

Although we talk about depression and mental health less anyway but when we do talk about depression, people who understand it are there for you.

But they are there when it hurts very much and when they see us crying or sobbing.

Everyone asks when one breaks down and have suggestions or are there to just be there.

When you are numbing yourself with alcohol or using drugs,some will say its wrong and others and just be there to let you pass the phase.

When you cry hysterically they will be there.

But no one is there when you just go quiet.

No would be there to talk about when you just sit on your bed and stare at a wall constantly, trying to fill that hole which you have inside you.

No one would be there, when you don’t want to do things you like to do usually,

No one would be there when you see yourself in the mirror and you think who is this person,

No one would be there when you stop enjoying your own music and you ask yourself what is wrong with me,

No one would be there when you ask yourself when would you smile again,

No one would be there to answer when you ask yourself, why i cannot get better,

Just no one .. So you sit and stare a wall and just eagerly wait for the day to end.

And the person who is in this phase feels horrible, empty, lonely, scared, abandoned and guilty at the same time that another day has passed. But then days and weeks pass by and the person feels they are stuck in a cycle.

And the loop gets bigger and bigger, days become weeks and weeks turns into months.

Sometimes I feel this is a never ending cycle and nothing would ever work.

So I sit and stare at a wall and refuse to recognise myself in the mirror.

But while writing this I do hold just a hope and pray that just one day – and just one day – i recognise the one I see in the mirror.

Just be there with the person if someone you know has gone quiet. Just be there because they need you.

Just a simple message from your very busy schedule would make them feel a little alive.

So next time you know someone who is going thru shit and have gone quiet – Just Be There

Was this abuse ?

I think she knew this was abuse but she had started questioning it again. Maybe she believed her power of love will change things … even though she knew it was failing…

Yesterday as they were driving back home from London.

He said to a friend when they were in london – making an indirect comment (towards his wife) that the lady whom they had met was ok to do charity work because “her house is happy” “her children are sorted” “what she is doing is ok to kill her time”

His own wife got involved with helping people; this helped her overcome her depression and mental struggle when she was going thru a very bad phase of her life (Discussed below briefly)

She never knew she had that in her until she got involved with a group of people and gave her best! She started getting so much power by helping these people; that doing this made her forget her own pain.

Maybe that was not the best way for her to go about but she grasped every opportunity she had to keep herself sane and alive. She was almost dying. Rather than collapsing, She decided to use her mind to distract herself.

She did not know much about counselling or what depression was at thay time, never was educated about that; but she did know she was not right and something had to be done.

Yesterday, when her husband made a comment in front of a friend, She very calmly brought it up with him when they were alone, that she understands what he had meant but she was always a very family oriented girl and lived how she was expected to live all throughout, but due to certain decisions which were more influenced by her husband were made, and when they went wrong, and moreover that when he was not even there to have a conversation about them with her, she was broken and had no where/ no one to look or go to.

She started explaining her reasons without really blaming him but explaining that she had no way out of this!

She shared that things come back and haunt her specially when he makes very personal comments and calls her names. He said to her a few months back when she said that she had changed a lot when she had to divert herself for not thinking about child & what people around her were saying things and how that had affected their relationship. ” He turned around very quickly in an agressive way saying that he had not given her a child because of her character and how she was”

Making this statement made her feel so why did he stay for 10 years with her ? She still struggles to find an answer. …

He had been calling her names for sometime now and just because she was in touch with or friends with men, he would accuse her for sleeping with them and much much more.

Sharing her feelings yesterday and explaining her reasons without blaming but identifying how situations made her distract herself to cope up with what she went thru, this quickly changed to how she do not consider his feelings and what he was going thru and how she was insensitive that she brought this up and how she should not have said or said in a different way. And then ultimately how she was always wrong, how she should have done this or that… quickly she was trapped again…

She instantly felt how she was so stupid to share her feelings, and how she was put on firing line one more time…. …. …

A little background to it was influenced by :

Almost 10 years into their marriage She felt she was merely a servant to him , They hardly went on any holiday, Merely lived because her husband always believed that to save for future is better and that is why they lived like that; because as a wife everytime she would want to have a conversation about their sexual life or planning a family, he would either snap at her, dismiss her or would not participate. Initially he also used to made excuses, sometime she would agreee but most time she would just go quiet thinking maybe she is the one who is being unrealistic.

She would convince herself and try and be happy.

However, his parents used to push her for having a child.

Her own parents started asking her but to her own parents she could ask them to stop and they did after sometime but her inlaws just would not!

They made comments around her about other people who are having their second or third baby and how “we” couldn’t have even one.

(I say “we” in inverted comma because while saying that the eyes would only look at her”)

People around her started to question that being married for 10 years and why we did not have a child!

His Parents friends would tell the girls mother – how and why the mother doesn’t push her , And how she would have slapped her own daughter, had she not have been producing a child!!

The father in law would tell her how she should be watching her body clock and what actually a woman ‘s body clock is!

She was embarrassed and did not know what to do!

She explained her husband how she was getting very uncomfortable, specially since his father was saying that on the phone. (culturally where she comes from, they would not have father in laws talking about a woman’s body clock and what happens to a woman’s body and how she should not delay it)

She explained her husband, how she overheard his mother talking about cotraceptions and how even some people would ask her what contraception they used as a couple as she was not conceiving a child.

She hardly could gather courage that it was her husband who did not want a child and shut everyone up ! She suffered in silence.

After the incident of the father in law – when the next time her mother in law, started the child topic, She abruptly said to her that to make a child she needed 2 people.

She agrees, that she might have been abrupt or maybe even came across as rude, but she had, had enough and all this had started to play on her head really badly. (and this is what was the bad phase she talks above)

When a lot of things came in open, he started accusing her of cheating on him, he started calling her names, he screamed, he shouted, he checked her phones, he said it was his right…

Later his father said that it was her duty as a woman to be/act as mistress.

She said she was insulted and she was the wife and not a mistress… She was proved wrong yet again !

When she heard that she was not sure whom she was sharing her problems. and if there was any point but her mental health struggled so much she had to just leave…

There were obviously a lot more things but nothing every triggered her this much as the above topic had; where she who always motivated him, gave him all the hope, explained him that none of them knows what will happen in the future, passed the smile and did whatever best she can ; quickly a girl with hopes and dreams had nothing more to give him.. She had to heal herself; she had to protect herself because at that time she could not have given him anything because he only took and later dismissed; so she found her own ways to hold her straight.

Yesterday she hysterically cried not because she was angry at him, for yet again shouting and screaming at her for no reason,

Not because how he turned things around and played the victim,

Not because he was using sarcastic comments again,

Not because he had once again failed to have a civilized conversation,

Not because he gaslighted her again that certain things which he brought up was actually her….

Not because he said he never brought certain topics up and now as she had brought something up, she should hear now what he wants to say…

Not because he cannot ever speak without raising his voice at her….

And not because he says that he raised his voice because she has pushed him to do that…

Yesterday she cried because she was seeing herself going down the black hole again …

The hole where she had brought herself out after a lot of difficulty. (when they were going through a divorce 2 years back because they had to be seperated as she would have not survived otherwise)

The dark hole where sometimes thinking about it brings a shiver down, gets her goosebumps.

She cried thinking what happened to that Girl that time..

She did not know who she was … she had lost her. She was not able to recognise her in the mirror..

That lively girl who she knew was lost somewhere….

and how she does not want to go back there as it was scary and dark… and she knows if she goes in that black hole this time she will not be able to come back…

She used to scream everytime she used to get out of the house,

She was always in delusion,

She could not figure out what was real and what was fake,

She cried herself to sleep last night thinking maybe things will be better again.

It had become a cycle for her to have hope, heart break, giving up, helplessness, forgiving and have hope again.

They did tell her 2 years back this was abuse…. They did tell her that this cycle of abuse will keep getting shorter…

She still somewhere in her heart did not agree …

She missed him everyday…

She cried everyday but was just learning to walk alone ….

Then 1 day he messaged her and she could not reply for 3 days ..

Not replyinh him killed her.. they finally met… they gave another chance but now:

She wonders sometimes why she went back to him…

But maybe she knew things will change …

Now everyday he takes a little more of her piece.. ..

Maybe he punishes her for being weak for him and loving him,

So he thinks he can take more but she has very little to give ..

She feels she will manage to go until her last piece is taken away .

And maybe that’s her breath…

(I apologise if there are typing/gramatical errors but i generally cannot go back and read what I write)

And i apologise for sometimes not making sense in my writing, but this is the only hidden way i can pen down my emotions which hopefully can let me carry on; as recently he read my diary what i used to pen down and started using that against me, indimidate me and shout at me.

I want to live …

Why do we have to always agree to disagree or disagree to agree? Can we just not respect each other’ s opinion?

Why is that when you are in a relationship that you have to always like what the other person likes?

Yes i do believe that it is good to have some common interests and things to do, specially in your marriage; however you could both have different opinions and perceptions – and having this does not make you a bad couple; rather it is actually a sign of a healthy relationship!

Because that means you give each other space and also respect.

I would like to say south asians but I would stick to just indians.

A lot of indian couples like to have everything same – to an extent even to what they think and believe.

I used to be the same.

I was also that girl now a woman who believed what your husband thinks and believes in is what you believe in!

As if my mind was in control of his and if its in my hand that i cannot think like him !

Probably cultural thing as i was born in the 80’s. We saw our older generation practicing and staying more at home. Also hear and observe that man was everything !I come from a patriarchal society. And even though we talk about gender equality and all that – we never talk about this ?

Something basic but it still happens in households and our society.

You would rather say that generation of this age was still more modern and would not agree with what i say ;however that’s not true and there are many people around me who struggle with the same.

Forget about just your partner/husband – even many people whom you meet they want to take over your thoughts, they dont like when you say below:

“you could be right, however I respectfully do not agree”

Mind you they get offended! Not because i said this ; but probably because they could not take this as everyone likes to say yes yes to stay in the good books. But what for ?

I was different, But I always shyed away to speak my opinion as i was always scared to be disowned by the society.

I was not allowed. And I always lived until recently like this.

Even now the opinions or my thoughts i would want to share,i feel scared. A lot of this has to do with my husband because i don’t know with what opinion of mine he would kick off, hence you can even see the blog name as “secret writer”.

I would have loved to write with my own name on it because this is me!

But I am not allowed as i will be outcasted, shamed ; disowned, mocked about and much much more.

And not only me — they would shame my family, outcaste them and even boycott them!

I sometimes wonder just because a man is a man he is allowed to have his own opinions and thoughts and just because i was born a girl I cannot.

I mean just think about it how unfair is that!

I do not really have the authority to think and speak my own mind!

So few months back I was expressing my view point about the Indian government and how human rights are being infringed.

I was given a very sarcastic look as this individual was a pro goverment!

I have no problem with his thoughts and opinions but why does he have with mine.

Rather I respect his thoughts and wanted to know more to understand – i wanted to know ,to learn to grow but we could not talk for very long and i just shut myself up because this discussion would have turned into an argument.

You could say its half full and i could say its half empty. You could not like coke but like pepsi! So what !

Its sad but true that we always have to win in every situation.

We in 21st century still are scared of talking or forming our own opinions.

Have a look at this below article which is just from 2018. I am not highlighting the rape statistics here but one of the lines which says “are women safe and free?”

We Will feel/be safe when we are free.

We Will feel/be free when we are safe.

Read the above lines again !

The article sums up quite well the situation.

” Indian woman are in a constant state of vigilance, like a country ot terrorist alert.”

Many Indian woman who live overseas are very much in a similar situation. Unless they stop being around asians and dont make friends with them,change their culture and even who they hang out with ;but its difficult, i want to have asian friends around me, i want to be comfortable around my own people, i want to be feel free and have my opinions.

I do not think so i have ever lived!

There was a time last year when during my therapy session, i said to her ” i only now feel alive” ” i feel i am just born and trying to learn how to live”

I was learning to unlearn all the drums which were drilled down me; but them i lost the courage to by myself….

But i wish:

I want to be able to breathe freely …

I want to feel everything….

I want to laugh without being judged..

I want to cry when i want to….

I want to feel how it feels to be living…

I want to do crazy things…

I want to rest … …

I want to learn … ..

I want to grow ….

I want to be able to Love freely …. ..

I want to be able to Let go…..

I want to live …..

I want to write what i want to – no fancy words – no jargons ; just what i want and what i come across.