So, as obvious it might have been for people who were seeing or hearing from the outside – it was difficult for her to –
First – understand what Abuse was! As he was not physcial up until recent times but it was emotional/psychological abuse. Which was very difficult for her to identify.
Secondly – to accept that she was being Abused. She was so co-dependent on him as she always believed he was right even though many times she would disagree with him.
Third – to heal the pain was obviously very difficult -this was as there were no closure between them. She although accepted that it was abuse, somewhere she was confused but that confusion was more love than the fact that she had accepted that it was abuse.
Fourth – This time she was fighting back to change him, to find a happy medium but he will never budge in. He denied and became even more abusive. She kept on fighting it until a time came that she accepted the abuse consciously.
They were still in an abusive relationship – the only difference this time was that she was aware she was in one and she accepted to stay in it – She chose to be in it.
Many don’t understand why she does not leave him.
She also asked her self this question !
Everyone told her that she was strong, everyone told her she can and will be financially independent (incase that was stopping her)
Everyone told her she will get over him.
But she did not – She obviously was not happy and having a term of a strong woman/girl was also a big thing to deal with , when only she just wanted to go and die or have some magic wand which would take away all the pain away.
She one day asked herself these difficuly questions – this was after almost 2 years of psychotherapy -things were much clearer.
Rather than trying to change him or stay with him in the hope that he would change ; she accepted he will not ; rather she was introduced to the angle to see that she was also responsible equally to what was happenening to her because she has the option to leave. (even though its very easy for someone to see that from outside, this statement made an impact on her)
She stopped feeling like a victim and a helpless person where she looked for help and control from outside – She took control of what and how to feel (atleast in this extent other wise he even controls how she should feel)
She felt more liberated and the Shame also went because she accepted that she was in an abusive relationship!
Asking herself difficult questions – why she could not leave – she was not coming to very believable answers and then ; she and her therapist worked and processed it over a few sessions!
She was very fimiliar with what he did to her and the relationship she shared, she spent her entire childhood and teenage being in this kind of a relationship with her mother.
She replied to her therapist “I would not know what I would do, if I do not have all this to deal with”
“I will be left with nothing”
Hearing all that her therapist replied – “you fear the unknown and that you also don’t trust yourself and that is because you were never allowed or given the opportunity to trust your own self”
She also said that let me tell you – “that is also not true” – ” you are afraid and scared if your own power”
She smiled – when she heard this and she replied “how do i trust myself” but they kept this for the other time to discuss while she is on a journey to work on her soul!
She was scared to take control of her own life, feelings and anything because that is what she was used to since a child. Her brain was used to this. (even though she actually is capable of doing that because it has been her who have taken care of herself even when he has been around her) but I guess she refuses to see and see things from that perspective.
So while many people from outside think why people cannot leave their abusers, sometime it’s not just material or practical reasons – sometimes it’s because that is the only thing they have known.
This becomes their Habit and even if they know that this habit is destructive – they still continue that.
She felt at home with all this push pull drama in her life – that is what her brain has known and she seeks to see what and how to break this pattern!