Day 3 – Flashback

She woke up ok today but how long will this go she wondered.

As usual the first thing she did was go on his number. And starred at it for few minutes. Was still distant to her. She has purposely deleted the name, as it affects her mind.

During her lunch – she all of a sudden went into a flashback and saw the times which were ok with him. She scrolled through her phone and realised how she had been coping up and was the only person holding on to this relationship.

She got stuck as to what if he considered her equal and how they could be happy. She had to be snapped out by a colleague. Tears were just there on the eyelashes but none fell.

She felt anxious but snapped her self out.

She went for excersise after a few days. She realised how much of her strength and stamina is lost.

It was a struggle to go through the session but her instructor is good and adjusted accordingly.

She was just happy she made it there..

She went on his number again and feel lost today. But she is holding on.

She thinks about him almost every minute or with each breath she takes. She just hopes he is fine and happy where ever he is.

She is holding on or letting go. Still doesn’t know. Every thing seems foggy even though everything was clear.

She thinks what if he comes back like last time, what will she do ? Will she cry and hug him or will she walk past as a stranger?

The latter will kill her but will she have the strength to do it.

Only time will tell.. ..

Was this abuse ?

I think she knew this was abuse but she had started questioning it again. Maybe she believed her power of love will change things … even though she knew it was failing…

Yesterday as they were driving back home from London.

He said to a friend when they were in london – making an indirect comment (towards his wife) that the lady whom they had met was ok to do charity work because “her house is happy” “her children are sorted” “what she is doing is ok to kill her time”

His own wife got involved with helping people; this helped her overcome her depression and mental struggle when she was going thru a very bad phase of her life (Discussed below briefly)

She never knew she had that in her until she got involved with a group of people and gave her best! She started getting so much power by helping these people; that doing this made her forget her own pain.

Maybe that was not the best way for her to go about but she grasped every opportunity she had to keep herself sane and alive. She was almost dying. Rather than collapsing, She decided to use her mind to distract herself.

She did not know much about counselling or what depression was at thay time, never was educated about that; but she did know she was not right and something had to be done.

Yesterday, when her husband made a comment in front of a friend, She very calmly brought it up with him when they were alone, that she understands what he had meant but she was always a very family oriented girl and lived how she was expected to live all throughout, but due to certain decisions which were more influenced by her husband were made, and when they went wrong, and moreover that when he was not even there to have a conversation about them with her, she was broken and had no where/ no one to look or go to.

She started explaining her reasons without really blaming him but explaining that she had no way out of this!

She shared that things come back and haunt her specially when he makes very personal comments and calls her names. He said to her a few months back when she said that she had changed a lot when she had to divert herself for not thinking about child & what people around her were saying things and how that had affected their relationship. ” He turned around very quickly in an agressive way saying that he had not given her a child because of her character and how she was”

Making this statement made her feel so why did he stay for 10 years with her ? She still struggles to find an answer. …

He had been calling her names for sometime now and just because she was in touch with or friends with men, he would accuse her for sleeping with them and much much more.

Sharing her feelings yesterday and explaining her reasons without blaming but identifying how situations made her distract herself to cope up with what she went thru, this quickly changed to how she do not consider his feelings and what he was going thru and how she was insensitive that she brought this up and how she should not have said or said in a different way. And then ultimately how she was always wrong, how she should have done this or that… quickly she was trapped again…

She instantly felt how she was so stupid to share her feelings, and how she was put on firing line one more time…. …. …

A little background to it was influenced by :

Almost 10 years into their marriage She felt she was merely a servant to him , They hardly went on any holiday, Merely lived because her husband always believed that to save for future is better and that is why they lived like that; because as a wife everytime she would want to have a conversation about their sexual life or planning a family, he would either snap at her, dismiss her or would not participate. Initially he also used to made excuses, sometime she would agreee but most time she would just go quiet thinking maybe she is the one who is being unrealistic.

She would convince herself and try and be happy.

However, his parents used to push her for having a child.

Her own parents started asking her but to her own parents she could ask them to stop and they did after sometime but her inlaws just would not!

They made comments around her about other people who are having their second or third baby and how “we” couldn’t have even one.

(I say “we” in inverted comma because while saying that the eyes would only look at her”)

People around her started to question that being married for 10 years and why we did not have a child!

His Parents friends would tell the girls mother – how and why the mother doesn’t push her , And how she would have slapped her own daughter, had she not have been producing a child!!

The father in law would tell her how she should be watching her body clock and what actually a woman ‘s body clock is!

She was embarrassed and did not know what to do!

She explained her husband how she was getting very uncomfortable, specially since his father was saying that on the phone. (culturally where she comes from, they would not have father in laws talking about a woman’s body clock and what happens to a woman’s body and how she should not delay it)

She explained her husband, how she overheard his mother talking about cotraceptions and how even some people would ask her what contraception they used as a couple as she was not conceiving a child.

She hardly could gather courage that it was her husband who did not want a child and shut everyone up ! She suffered in silence.

After the incident of the father in law – when the next time her mother in law, started the child topic, She abruptly said to her that to make a child she needed 2 people.

She agrees, that she might have been abrupt or maybe even came across as rude, but she had, had enough and all this had started to play on her head really badly. (and this is what was the bad phase she talks above)

When a lot of things came in open, he started accusing her of cheating on him, he started calling her names, he screamed, he shouted, he checked her phones, he said it was his right…

Later his father said that it was her duty as a woman to be/act as mistress.

She said she was insulted and she was the wife and not a mistress… She was proved wrong yet again !

When she heard that she was not sure whom she was sharing her problems. and if there was any point but her mental health struggled so much she had to just leave…

There were obviously a lot more things but nothing every triggered her this much as the above topic had; where she who always motivated him, gave him all the hope, explained him that none of them knows what will happen in the future, passed the smile and did whatever best she can ; quickly a girl with hopes and dreams had nothing more to give him.. She had to heal herself; she had to protect herself because at that time she could not have given him anything because he only took and later dismissed; so she found her own ways to hold her straight.

Yesterday she hysterically cried not because she was angry at him, for yet again shouting and screaming at her for no reason,

Not because how he turned things around and played the victim,

Not because he was using sarcastic comments again,

Not because he had once again failed to have a civilized conversation,

Not because he gaslighted her again that certain things which he brought up was actually her….

Not because he said he never brought certain topics up and now as she had brought something up, she should hear now what he wants to say…

Not because he cannot ever speak without raising his voice at her….

And not because he says that he raised his voice because she has pushed him to do that…

Yesterday she cried because she was seeing herself going down the black hole again …

The hole where she had brought herself out after a lot of difficulty. (when they were going through a divorce 2 years back because they had to be seperated as she would have not survived otherwise)

The dark hole where sometimes thinking about it brings a shiver down, gets her goosebumps.

She cried thinking what happened to that Girl that time..

She did not know who she was … she had lost her. She was not able to recognise her in the mirror..

That lively girl who she knew was lost somewhere….

and how she does not want to go back there as it was scary and dark… and she knows if she goes in that black hole this time she will not be able to come back…

She used to scream everytime she used to get out of the house,

She was always in delusion,

She could not figure out what was real and what was fake,

She cried herself to sleep last night thinking maybe things will be better again.

It had become a cycle for her to have hope, heart break, giving up, helplessness, forgiving and have hope again.

They did tell her 2 years back this was abuse…. They did tell her that this cycle of abuse will keep getting shorter…

She still somewhere in her heart did not agree …

She missed him everyday…

She cried everyday but was just learning to walk alone ….

Then 1 day he messaged her and she could not reply for 3 days ..

Not replyinh him killed her.. they finally met… they gave another chance but now:

She wonders sometimes why she went back to him…

But maybe she knew things will change …

Now everyday he takes a little more of her piece.. ..

Maybe he punishes her for being weak for him and loving him,

So he thinks he can take more but she has very little to give ..

She feels she will manage to go until her last piece is taken away .

And maybe that’s her breath…

(I apologise if there are typing/gramatical errors but i generally cannot go back and read what I write)

And i apologise for sometimes not making sense in my writing, but this is the only hidden way i can pen down my emotions which hopefully can let me carry on; as recently he read my diary what i used to pen down and started using that against me, indimidate me and shout at me.

Girl who was a puppet for him and his family ….

Diary of a family oriented yet modern Indian woman

She fell for him because she madly loved him… atleast she believed that he loved her too.. .. ..

He was much from an abusive home – where he had seen the father verbally abusing the mother and the mother calling the father with foul names.

He was upset seeing the state of his house.

He was always criticized for being a failure.

He was told that a girl should have been born because they already had one son.

He was told he was no good.

He grew up with all this and having entered his adulthood he wanted to be away from the parents/from the people he called his own.

Away to make his own life.

Away to prove that he was not a failure.

Away so he can be at peace.

He found her, he said he loves her for her natural attitude.

He said he liked how she was bold and would talk her mind out – little did he know that she still hid a lot from the whole world.

But he said he fell for her for how she was.

She was bold

She was beautiful inside out.

But she had flaws- she was not perfect but she knew this was the best she could do.

She wanted to support him even though she herself was just 21!

She stood by him.

She motivated him.

She loved him as no one would.

Her life revolved around him.

She forgot what she wanted in life for herself apart from him.

She could do anything for him.

They stayed overseas.

They got married in haste as his parents wanted to seperate them anyhow.

Mother called the son impotent! what kind of a mother would call her own son that ! and what does that even supposed to mean?

Parents spoke a lot of bad things for the her.

Parents disowned him.

A lot was said by them ! she kept quiet and heard everything because of his love!

He was lonely.

He thought they would never do this.

They slowly started to build their life up with a lot of struggles.

The parents came back because their elder son soon after he got married did not wanted to live with these parents.

He said his parents were cruel to his wife.

He said his parents would control his life even after he was married.

He said a lit of things about their character which was shocking.

However in the world outside they were respected because they had the money. only money!

Their elder son made it clear that he would never want them to even see their faces! and he till date sticks to that … (he no2 has his own 2 sons but his own parents havent even seen them)

They came to the other younger son – who they believed was always a failure !

Parents started interfering in their life.

Whatever small or big they used to earn they were happy.

They were in Love. They cared about each other. They were ready to face the world.

The mother went to live with them for few months and created differences between them.

They were always scared that his parents would do something to seperate them.

The mother was also into black magic – the son himself told.

Things slowly started to corrode….

She could see he was changing ….

He would ask her to dress in a different way ….

The mother would ask her to put make up on …

Mother would ask her to change her earings…

She used to cry silently.

She started feeling she could not be even herself.

She would cook for him and just behave as a puppet.

But she loved him and slowly her mind started accepting all this….

Things changed a little more where he would shout at her for her speaking to her own mother because she should be sitting with the father in law as it was coffee time !

She was only speaking to her mother this morning as she passed her MBA with merit and she wanted to tell her parents.

Everytime they would visit home she would have to mostly stay at his house with the in laws- and she did.

She would get up every morning to have coffee with her father in law. Only 1 day she was late as she was speaking to her mother….

On the contrary he would always sleep because he was on a holiday. …

She cried more and did not know what to do.

She could not tell many people as she knew she chose him for herself.

She was guilty.

She knew people would call her bad.

She suffered in silence.

She had no soul left. She was just a puppet and would do things to make everyone happy.

She wanted to leave him but she could not so she stayed and stayed; moved on in life and would leave things.

She got into terms with how her life will be – even though she never wanted this.

She wanted a family – he did not want that. Few years passed but he would never agree.

She would work – cook and try things to make him successful.

Had a lot of ups and downs in between…

They did not have a car and he would get tired so her mother gifted them their first car…

They bought a first house with the help of her parents…. She pushed it through even when he was not ready as she wanted him to feel settled.

Her parents were there when no one was.. They stood by her as much as they could.

She asked her parents to help them… and they did…

She thought everything was fine apart from the feeling of emptiness.

She was with him but she was lonely…

She thought she was crazy to feel that.. …

She believed everything was normal….

This is how a relationship should be….

She stayed silent and carried on

This happened from 2006 till 2016…

She will write more; maybe small episodes as a diary….

She is finding a way to write and get over her feelings ..

She is slowly healing…

Hidden Moment – Inside an Indian Family

Inside a “Baniya’s” Family/Mind ! – MODERN INDIA or “MO” “DERN” India

If you are wondering what “Mo” and “Dern” mean here – you will know towards the END.

A lot of you know India, so I will not bore you with the same facts again. Let’s talk about these casts and all which exists there and in Particular “BANIYA”.

“Baniya” word normally is associated with business class /traders – people who are known to be typical experts in number game and money making/crunching activities. And guess what !

“BANIYA” – a very common term in India. Specially northern india.

They want a son to be born because that would be one of their “money crunching” future investment as well !

Yes you heard it right – they look at their son(if one is born) and spend on him so that they could cash it when the son gets married!

This is a very common thing in India and prevails in many communities and not only just “Baniya’s” even though I am writing about them because of many reasons!

So, Yes I am talking about how they can do a deal for their son – when he gets married with the girls family. The amount the deal can be done varies – qualification, a citizenship for a different country and much more !

The only other condition when they can leave the cash bit from the girls family is when she is extremely beautiful (rare but happens)! And no that’s not because the girl is beautiful- that’s because generally baniya men used to be average or below average looking (now times have changed and a Tony and Guy haircut and facials can change the person completely!! 😅) and because their own sons were average or below average looking – they wanted girls who are extremely beautiful (maybe someone like a Miss Universe or a world) so the future generations comes out decent looking.

By any mistake if the child goes on the mother and comes out beautiful ‘hey hey thats job well done for the son!

So this so called “Baniya” clan – are basically blessed with commercial minds (even while producing a child ) they have many characteristics that make them unique – yea in every way!

When they make biodata for their sons (who probably (surely drinks) And I mean Alcohol – they would call their son to be a ‘tea tottler’ ( That’s normally done, when they are arranging the marriage and that is what they the children are expected to do)

I mean for god sake! Why on earth would you say that ! And remember these are the same parents who told their children or slapped them when they lied to their own Parents – but yeah it’s ok to lie to the girls family and the society!

Just in anyway – the above can fit with a lot of people in India – but I am talking about Baniya’s because I grew up with them almost and even now I am surrounded by a lot – starting from best friends – to actually even being married in a Baniya family!(You guessed it right I wasn’t a Baniya before marriage – so the blood doesn’t yet flow in me) (Long story – and Bollywood type running away from the house type Marriage but let’s leave me out from here)

They are very strict on their balance sheets! Yea – they can die but would not leave the money. They themselves say a saying – “for us the interest is more attracting then the actual funds what we earn the interest on” !

I in No way am implying that it isnt a good practice to keep your finances in good order but only believing in “Money is Honey” – nah nah not good !

I was talking with a few couples in India and most of them are Baniya’s – (mainly Delhi -the north part – I think they really don’t know what a “healthy relationship” in a marriage is !) They are just there. I spoke to them individually, and yes they might be going on holidays, spending on lavish cars, there is no as such emotional availability for one another.

I mean take the above example – if one is only considering “Money as Honey” -the actual “honey” is just brought home to produce some children and take care of the family – oh yea and maybe some kitty parties. Getting to know xxx amount of relatives and sometimes the relatives are given a term just because they are our neighbour!

One of the woman I spoke to, said “she feels so disconnected, because the husband is not there. She said, she felt like I was almost like a maid, doing everything but when I have to talk to my husband about my emotional needs, I do not have him”. Few others, had a similar response, and some of them did not even what I was talking about, because they have been living in a world which has made them believe that this is what it is! These are how relationships are !

I mean, how sad is that !

These Baniya’s newer generation have been lately adapting to fast changing lifestyle and are sent abroad and etc etc etc – but I recently heard a Baniya talking about “his own value – and he meant monetarily 😐 (and trust me this is very common; they have been injected that how valuable they are and what they might be worth) because he has lived abroad – studied abroad and all that crap. He was making comments about how his value has gone down because he was refused his settlement in that abroad country !

Rather than him talking about how he actually feels, his hard work, his 11 years stay in the abroad country without family and many other aspects he would be struggling with. he chose to speak about his value because he would have to get married sooner or later and that is a potential loss of his own value !!!

Something more got killed inside me that day. I had nothing to reply and there are very rare times, I struggle to communicate with people. But this was one of the occasions and I felt sad, angry and wanted to disappear if I had a magic wand.

If this is our generations mentality (at the least) – Baniya or no Baniya; then no matter how much we talk about globalisation – how much we talk about India doing this and that; all seems crazy to me. We really need to start looking inside ourselves and bring the actual change –  because you know what – we have some serious grass root problems to be fixed!

They want to have the classiest/glitziest wedding even though they are known to be very stingy in nature. Well – it has to be a lavish affair other wise what will people say!

Another of a sad example, I came across where mother in law was bribing the daughter in law with a huge diamond necklace if she conceives a child.

The 2 sons in the Baniya family – one son wanted the brother to come back because, So they could have more share in the grand fathers property and not let it go to their parents!

They might live together to show the world they are one ! But They are secretly praying for the older generation to actually pass away! The father was doing that for the grand father and now their own son thinks the same for the father ! And you know what their sons would be the same because no matter because they pass this in generations and only 1 of the generation has to take a stand and bring the change! but again who would do that! Most don’t have the balls!

So to all the Baniyas – no offence to you and even if I did then maybe you need to look deeper and deeper within yourself!

I realised that many parents are taking away their children’s identity and then the children, when they get married – the male (generally) does the same with their wife and the children and it repeats!

It’s like a rave – “eat – sleep – rave – repeat”. Its contagious and infectious!

Break the cycle – Be Bold, learn, evolve and grow!

“MO” British informal means “Moment” and “Dern” means “Secret, hidden” (obsolete)

This is the “HIDDEN MOMENT FROM AN INDIAN FAMILY” – MODERN OR “MO” “DERN” – YOU CHOOSE AND DECIDE