Accepted Abuse! – why it is difficult to leave the abuse.

So, as obvious it might have been for people who were seeing or hearing from the outside – it was difficult for her to –

First – understand what Abuse was! As he was not physcial up until recent times but it was emotional/psychological abuse. Which was very difficult for her to identify.

Secondly – to accept that she was being Abused. She was so co-dependent on him as she always believed he was right even though many times she would disagree with him.

Third – to heal the pain was obviously very difficult -this was as there were no closure between them. She although accepted that it was abuse, somewhere she was confused but that confusion was more love than the fact that she had accepted that it was abuse.

Fourth – This time she was fighting back to change him, to find a happy medium but he will never budge in. He denied and became even more abusive. She kept on fighting it until a time came that she accepted the abuse consciously.

They were still in an abusive relationship – the only difference this time was that she was aware she was in one and she accepted to stay in it – She chose to be in it.

Many don’t understand why she does not leave him.

She also asked her self this question !

Everyone told her that she was strong, everyone told her she can and will be financially independent (incase that was stopping her)

Everyone told her she will get over him.

But she did not – She obviously was not happy and having a term of a strong woman/girl was also a big thing to deal with , when only she just wanted to go and die or have some magic wand which would take away all the pain away.

She one day asked herself these difficuly questions – this was after almost 2 years of psychotherapy -things were much clearer.

Rather than trying to change him or stay with him in the hope that he would change ; she accepted he will not ; rather she was introduced to the angle to see that she was also responsible equally to what was happenening to her because she has the option to leave. (even though its very easy for someone to see that from outside, this statement made an impact on her)

She stopped feeling like a victim and a helpless person where she looked for help and control from outside – She took control of what and how to feel (atleast in this extent other wise he even controls how she should feel)

She felt more liberated and the Shame also went because she accepted that she was in an abusive relationship!

Asking herself difficult questions – why she could not leave – she was not coming to very believable answers and then ; she and her therapist worked and processed it over a few sessions!

She was very fimiliar with what he did to her and the relationship she shared, she spent her entire childhood and teenage being in this kind of a relationship with her mother.

She replied to her therapist “I would not know what I would do, if I do not have all this to deal with”

“I will be left with nothing”

Hearing all that her therapist replied – “you fear the unknown and that you also don’t trust yourself and that is because you were never allowed or given the opportunity to trust your own self”

She also said that let me tell you – “that is also not true” – ” you are afraid and scared if your own power”

She smiled – when she heard this and she replied “how do i trust myself” but they kept this for the other time to discuss while she is on a journey to work on her soul!

She was scared to take control of her own life, feelings and anything because that is what she was used to since a child. Her brain was used to this. (even though she actually is capable of doing that because it has been her who have taken care of herself even when he has been around her) but I guess she refuses to see and see things from that perspective.

So while many people from outside think why people cannot leave their abusers, sometime it’s not just material or practical reasons – sometimes it’s because that is the only thing they have known.

This becomes their Habit and even if they know that this habit is destructive – they still continue that.

She felt at home with all this push pull drama in her life – that is what her brain has known and she seeks to see what and how to break this pattern!

Girl who was a puppet for him and his family ….

Diary of a family oriented yet modern Indian woman

She fell for him because she madly loved him… atleast she believed that he loved her too.. .. ..

He was much from an abusive home – where he had seen the father verbally abusing the mother and the mother calling the father with foul names.

He was upset seeing the state of his house.

He was always criticized for being a failure.

He was told that a girl should have been born because they already had one son.

He was told he was no good.

He grew up with all this and having entered his adulthood he wanted to be away from the parents/from the people he called his own.

Away to make his own life.

Away to prove that he was not a failure.

Away so he can be at peace.

He found her, he said he loves her for her natural attitude.

He said he liked how she was bold and would talk her mind out – little did he know that she still hid a lot from the whole world.

But he said he fell for her for how she was.

She was bold

She was beautiful inside out.

But she had flaws- she was not perfect but she knew this was the best she could do.

She wanted to support him even though she herself was just 21!

She stood by him.

She motivated him.

She loved him as no one would.

Her life revolved around him.

She forgot what she wanted in life for herself apart from him.

She could do anything for him.

They stayed overseas.

They got married in haste as his parents wanted to seperate them anyhow.

Mother called the son impotent! what kind of a mother would call her own son that ! and what does that even supposed to mean?

Parents spoke a lot of bad things for the her.

Parents disowned him.

A lot was said by them ! she kept quiet and heard everything because of his love!

He was lonely.

He thought they would never do this.

They slowly started to build their life up with a lot of struggles.

The parents came back because their elder son soon after he got married did not wanted to live with these parents.

He said his parents were cruel to his wife.

He said his parents would control his life even after he was married.

He said a lit of things about their character which was shocking.

However in the world outside they were respected because they had the money. only money!

Their elder son made it clear that he would never want them to even see their faces! and he till date sticks to that … (he no2 has his own 2 sons but his own parents havent even seen them)

They came to the other younger son – who they believed was always a failure !

Parents started interfering in their life.

Whatever small or big they used to earn they were happy.

They were in Love. They cared about each other. They were ready to face the world.

The mother went to live with them for few months and created differences between them.

They were always scared that his parents would do something to seperate them.

The mother was also into black magic – the son himself told.

Things slowly started to corrode….

She could see he was changing ….

He would ask her to dress in a different way ….

The mother would ask her to put make up on …

Mother would ask her to change her earings…

She used to cry silently.

She started feeling she could not be even herself.

She would cook for him and just behave as a puppet.

But she loved him and slowly her mind started accepting all this….

Things changed a little more where he would shout at her for her speaking to her own mother because she should be sitting with the father in law as it was coffee time !

She was only speaking to her mother this morning as she passed her MBA with merit and she wanted to tell her parents.

Everytime they would visit home she would have to mostly stay at his house with the in laws- and she did.

She would get up every morning to have coffee with her father in law. Only 1 day she was late as she was speaking to her mother….

On the contrary he would always sleep because he was on a holiday. …

She cried more and did not know what to do.

She could not tell many people as she knew she chose him for herself.

She was guilty.

She knew people would call her bad.

She suffered in silence.

She had no soul left. She was just a puppet and would do things to make everyone happy.

She wanted to leave him but she could not so she stayed and stayed; moved on in life and would leave things.

She got into terms with how her life will be – even though she never wanted this.

She wanted a family – he did not want that. Few years passed but he would never agree.

She would work – cook and try things to make him successful.

Had a lot of ups and downs in between…

They did not have a car and he would get tired so her mother gifted them their first car…

They bought a first house with the help of her parents…. She pushed it through even when he was not ready as she wanted him to feel settled.

Her parents were there when no one was.. They stood by her as much as they could.

She asked her parents to help them… and they did…

She thought everything was fine apart from the feeling of emptiness.

She was with him but she was lonely…

She thought she was crazy to feel that.. …

She believed everything was normal….

This is how a relationship should be….

She stayed silent and carried on

This happened from 2006 till 2016…

She will write more; maybe small episodes as a diary….

She is finding a way to write and get over her feelings ..

She is slowly healing…

1 year of counselling

A caterpillar lives in the darkness but soon becomes a beautiful butterfly …….

It’s almost been 1 year, I have been seeing a therapist. My therapist is a qualified clinical hypnotherapist and have done a higher level in an advanced diploma in relational centred counselling.

Just to let people know – relational counsellors are trained to work at emotional depth. This therapist is also a qualified mindfulness practitioner.

My Therapist believes that “coming to know oneself and understanding why we suffer leads to genuine change , improved health, and helps individual live a more natural and authentic life”.

It is the therapist’s belief that “it is through counselling – we discover that we heal through relating. This is because the wounds that occurred in relationships must be healed in a relationship, a relationship where the therapist don’t talk at us, but with us. For what was unbearable when alone, becomes bearable when shared.” (I am sorry for many obvious reasons – I am unable to share identity openly because I write anonymously,but if anyone really needs to connect please drop a message)

Anyway, I survived 1 year and it’s still on going.

I wouldn’t lie, it wasn’t easy when I started, i did not know what much to expect or how I would take it. Not only it was difficult and challenging when I started, time and again I find it challenging – but I did not give up – a lot of credit does go to my therapist.

I found my self searching “boundries” as my therapist used that many times in my sessions – I did get them what boundries mean but never went deep to understand what it is. I finally got to know a bit about “boundries” – emotional physical spiritual and others.

Be Patient and determined …

I know it’s very difficult and I have been there – I have been in a locked up room where i did not even get up to get some water for myself .

A dark tunnel where i would never ever want to be!

A place where even while writing now – I feel sensations in my arms. I feel weak!

Slowly I am working on myself – like a caterpillar is in the darkness but when comes out its a beautiful butterfly !

As they all say therapy/ counselling is a slow process and sure it is !!!

Many people get disheartened if they do not feel anything positive after just a few sessions – or many people say “oh I will just take 4 or 5 sessions,that should be enough”.

You cannot decide – you don’t know!

Some of you might feel that it is rather more emotionally draining than doing any good.

Remember it is a process – I believe that anyone who decides to take the first step ; which is going to see a therapist/counsellor should remember/acknowledge the above.

Because quitting just after a few sessions, as you feel its draining – would put you in a position that you stop believing in it.

If you feel like this –

When I felt like quitting,

When I was emotionally feeling drained,

Any other feelings- even for the matter I sometimes shared with my therapist – “before coming today I was thiking what I am going to talk today!”

Any of the feeling you feel – I would say please share with your therapist.

It would help you overcome your fears/thoughts and help you overcome this phase.

I found the above working for myself.

I believe what we bring on the table – it is also easier for our therapist to work and help us.

I remember counselling is more like an “onion” – which basically mean – it works in layers.

So see yourself as an onion – your top layer might just be a lot of superficial stuff which you have developed to survive in the society, your day to day problems – in short it might just be associated with a lot of daily stuff because sometimes you don’t even know where to start!!

During this process , you might even find yourself asking – ” why am I seeing a therapist to talk about my daily life ” – but trust me just hang in there!

Slowly this layer would be removed.

When you share how you feel with your therapist – it helps them understand the situation better.

Slowly the professional therapist would be able to work their way thru, by slowly challenging you and creating the sense of peace , non – judgemental attitude,so you feel safe.

A good therapist would be able to work alongside your emotions by asking how you are feeling or where do you feel in your body? Asking you to “ground” yourself and much other techniques.

In my case there had been signs of trauma returning what I felt – and my therapist was able to identify that. She used to stop the session ,ask me to ground my self and make me feel comfortable until I am ready to start again!

It is very important for you to feel comfortable, not being judged and even safe. You should feel you are being understood with empathy but yet challenge because if you aren’t being challenged – there would be no progress as such.

When you have developed that trust with your therapist – remember you have a role here to play as well – as mentioned before you need to bring things on the table – you are seeing a therapist for a reason and if you don’t bring stuff what you struggle with ,it would be difficult for your therapist to work.

Slowly during this process you will soon enter just the middle of the onion – maybe the heart of the actual issues – your own demons – and whatever you are seeing the therapist for .

I am unable to describe much about this stage,because it is only very recently I feel that I am just reaching the heart of things – the heart of my own issues /my demons and why I react in certain way.

I don’t know where i heard it but I heard it – they say – DON’T BE THE EMOTIONS – BE THE AWARENESS BEHIND THEM !

My therapist used to ask me a lot – when I used to talk about something upsetting – used to ask me to identify what I am feeling in my body or where i was feeling it and how I was feeling it – NOW I KNOW WHY.

When we know and are more aware what is causing a particular emotion – we are able to identify and work on that.

I would soon update how my next few sessions go and what/how I feel.

Will try and also blog – maybe how I ended seeing a therapist over the next few blogs!

Hidden Moment – Inside an Indian Family

Inside a “Baniya’s” Family/Mind ! – MODERN INDIA or “MO” “DERN” India

If you are wondering what “Mo” and “Dern” mean here – you will know towards the END.

A lot of you know India, so I will not bore you with the same facts again. Let’s talk about these casts and all which exists there and in Particular “BANIYA”.

“Baniya” word normally is associated with business class /traders – people who are known to be typical experts in number game and money making/crunching activities. And guess what !

“BANIYA” – a very common term in India. Specially northern india.

They want a son to be born because that would be one of their “money crunching” future investment as well !

Yes you heard it right – they look at their son(if one is born) and spend on him so that they could cash it when the son gets married!

This is a very common thing in India and prevails in many communities and not only just “Baniya’s” even though I am writing about them because of many reasons!

So, Yes I am talking about how they can do a deal for their son – when he gets married with the girls family. The amount the deal can be done varies – qualification, a citizenship for a different country and much more !

The only other condition when they can leave the cash bit from the girls family is when she is extremely beautiful (rare but happens)! And no that’s not because the girl is beautiful- that’s because generally baniya men used to be average or below average looking (now times have changed and a Tony and Guy haircut and facials can change the person completely!! 😅) and because their own sons were average or below average looking – they wanted girls who are extremely beautiful (maybe someone like a Miss Universe or a world) so the future generations comes out decent looking.

By any mistake if the child goes on the mother and comes out beautiful ‘hey hey thats job well done for the son!

So this so called “Baniya” clan – are basically blessed with commercial minds (even while producing a child ) they have many characteristics that make them unique – yea in every way!

When they make biodata for their sons (who probably (surely drinks) And I mean Alcohol – they would call their son to be a ‘tea tottler’ ( That’s normally done, when they are arranging the marriage and that is what they the children are expected to do)

I mean for god sake! Why on earth would you say that ! And remember these are the same parents who told their children or slapped them when they lied to their own Parents – but yeah it’s ok to lie to the girls family and the society!

Just in anyway – the above can fit with a lot of people in India – but I am talking about Baniya’s because I grew up with them almost and even now I am surrounded by a lot – starting from best friends – to actually even being married in a Baniya family!(You guessed it right I wasn’t a Baniya before marriage – so the blood doesn’t yet flow in me) (Long story – and Bollywood type running away from the house type Marriage but let’s leave me out from here)

They are very strict on their balance sheets! Yea – they can die but would not leave the money. They themselves say a saying – “for us the interest is more attracting then the actual funds what we earn the interest on” !

I in No way am implying that it isnt a good practice to keep your finances in good order but only believing in “Money is Honey” – nah nah not good !

I was talking with a few couples in India and most of them are Baniya’s – (mainly Delhi -the north part – I think they really don’t know what a “healthy relationship” in a marriage is !) They are just there. I spoke to them individually, and yes they might be going on holidays, spending on lavish cars, there is no as such emotional availability for one another.

I mean take the above example – if one is only considering “Money as Honey” -the actual “honey” is just brought home to produce some children and take care of the family – oh yea and maybe some kitty parties. Getting to know xxx amount of relatives and sometimes the relatives are given a term just because they are our neighbour!

One of the woman I spoke to, said “she feels so disconnected, because the husband is not there. She said, she felt like I was almost like a maid, doing everything but when I have to talk to my husband about my emotional needs, I do not have him”. Few others, had a similar response, and some of them did not even what I was talking about, because they have been living in a world which has made them believe that this is what it is! These are how relationships are !

I mean, how sad is that !

These Baniya’s newer generation have been lately adapting to fast changing lifestyle and are sent abroad and etc etc etc – but I recently heard a Baniya talking about “his own value – and he meant monetarily 😐 (and trust me this is very common; they have been injected that how valuable they are and what they might be worth) because he has lived abroad – studied abroad and all that crap. He was making comments about how his value has gone down because he was refused his settlement in that abroad country !

Rather than him talking about how he actually feels, his hard work, his 11 years stay in the abroad country without family and many other aspects he would be struggling with. he chose to speak about his value because he would have to get married sooner or later and that is a potential loss of his own value !!!

Something more got killed inside me that day. I had nothing to reply and there are very rare times, I struggle to communicate with people. But this was one of the occasions and I felt sad, angry and wanted to disappear if I had a magic wand.

If this is our generations mentality (at the least) – Baniya or no Baniya; then no matter how much we talk about globalisation – how much we talk about India doing this and that; all seems crazy to me. We really need to start looking inside ourselves and bring the actual change –  because you know what – we have some serious grass root problems to be fixed!

They want to have the classiest/glitziest wedding even though they are known to be very stingy in nature. Well – it has to be a lavish affair other wise what will people say!

Another of a sad example, I came across where mother in law was bribing the daughter in law with a huge diamond necklace if she conceives a child.

The 2 sons in the Baniya family – one son wanted the brother to come back because, So they could have more share in the grand fathers property and not let it go to their parents!

They might live together to show the world they are one ! But They are secretly praying for the older generation to actually pass away! The father was doing that for the grand father and now their own son thinks the same for the father ! And you know what their sons would be the same because no matter because they pass this in generations and only 1 of the generation has to take a stand and bring the change! but again who would do that! Most don’t have the balls!

So to all the Baniyas – no offence to you and even if I did then maybe you need to look deeper and deeper within yourself!

I realised that many parents are taking away their children’s identity and then the children, when they get married – the male (generally) does the same with their wife and the children and it repeats!

It’s like a rave – “eat – sleep – rave – repeat”. Its contagious and infectious!

Break the cycle – Be Bold, learn, evolve and grow!

“MO” British informal means “Moment” and “Dern” means “Secret, hidden” (obsolete)

This is the “HIDDEN MOMENT FROM AN INDIAN FAMILY” – MODERN OR “MO” “DERN” – YOU CHOOSE AND DECIDE