Chatter in the head and Sea

One day when she had a lot of noise within her – she managed to sit near a sea shore and that day the sea was very rough.

Hearing the noise the waves made, the mind started portraying that hers was still calmer.

Even though it was rough, there was something calm for her to listen to that.

Yesterday night she went there to only hope she hears the same noise as her mind was making too much noise.

She gets there and sits there for a while only to realise that the sea was very calm. She tries to hear some noise but everytime she concentrated her noise became louder.

Finally to the noise within her she said let it go – if the sea can be calmer why cant you!

She took some deep breaths, cold air on her face and tears running down her eyes. She wanted to scream but there were people around!

She sat in her car, and closed all her windows and slowly tried to make the effort to scream. Taking her anger out on why she couldn’t hear the sea.

The tears were a little more as she did that. She was empty she realised. She couldn’t hate the sea because it wasn’t making the noise she wanted to hear, she couldn’t love it either.

But there was a little calmness. She walked out from her car again, sat on a bench near by just watching the lights far away somewhere and she could slowly hear the sea , not as rough but she could.

She wondered if the sea was responding to her scream.

Both were angry it seems .

She took some deep breaths again and said the Chatter in my head won today than you Sea.

She heard the sea a little more as she walked to her car – and it said next time Lets see My chatter or yours.

Dear God ….

Dear God

Or whoever you are, if you are listening and seeing from wherever you are…

You know I am struggling and i need help…

You know I need the strength:

To carry on …

To hold on .. or maybe let go..

To believe in you..

To believe life is beautiful..

To know I am strong..

To know this misery would end …

To know I will be happy Again…

You know since i realised what god is which was only very recently ..

I stopped asking you for anything for my life ..

I always talked to you as if you know what i would need, i trusted you, but that doesn’t mean that you would just give me tears… endless ones, where i have no one to wipe them apart from my self because god I am tired….

I am tired and even though i want to hold on I am struggling …

I know many would say that you are probably giving me all this because you have a plan for me and maybe you do! .. and believe me I want to trust you but its shaking….

Its scary …

You know its dark where i am – the girl who used to spread lightness!

I am today again in the place where i did not wanted to ever return…

I promised myself and you, that i wont be this low… But I am struggling.

Dear God

I want to trust you…

I want to believe you are there…

You know I don’t ask for anything but to guide me and give me strength…

You know for big decisions when i am very confused in my life I surrender to you … then why is my belief shaking today yet again ….

Dear God before i go to bed tonight please take care of my and give me that strength.

That courage ….

That belief …

That smile…

That power to believe in just you and no one else ..

Dear God I trust you … when i have no one i hope I am able to wipe my tears and don’t loose hope while i am doing so..

Thank for listening God …

Thank you